“Gosh! It was just a joke. Why are you getting so angry?” We often get to hear such things when we try to call out someone for their offensive statements or actions. This is tone policing or tone trolling, and here’s all you need to know about it.
What is Tone Policing?
Tone Policing is an action or practice when someone tries to undermine the validity of an argument by criticizing the tone it is being said in. In other words, this conversational tactic dismisses the ideas being communicated based on the tone of the speaker. It is an “ad hominem attack”, where the argument or reaction is directed against a person rather than the message they are trying to deliver. It is also known as tone trolling, tone fallacy, or tone argument.
It is mostly practiced by the person in the position of privilege to undermine the ones who are seemingly “beneath” them. It prevents people from sharing their experiences and voicing their opinions by calling them either too emotional or too aggressive. Here are the problems with tone policing:
- Tone policing promotes gender role stereotypes, such as how women are supposed to be calm and soft-spoken while men are not allowed to show emotion. It is also a form of casual sexism.
- Calling out someone’s tone instead of responding to their argument reflects the deep-rooted hierarchy and sense of superiority.
- It silences the marginalized and renders their problems invalid due to the anger attached to them. It acts as a catalyst to oppression.
- It works as a way out for people in the wrong from a conversation that threatens their privilege. It prevents them from altering their regressive opinions and make amends.
- Tone policing reinforces the idea that reason and emotion cannot co-exist.
When someone tone polices you, what they are actually saying is “I don’t care about your problems because they don’t affect me in any way”.
Here are some examples of tone policing:
- Calm down, please. Don’t get so offended.
- You don’t need to get all worked up over this.
- Stop making such a big deal about this.
- You cannot speak to me like that.
- Your anger is making it hard for you to understand my point.
Where does Tone Policing happen?
Tone policing can happen anywhere. It actually depends on the person you are having the conversation with. However, it mostly occurs in workplaces, educational institutions, and even households. You can be tone policed even by your friends who don’t agree with your opinions. The person becomes dismissive of your arguments and expects you to reply politely to whatever is being said, no matter how regressive it is. It is a silent tactic to derail or disengage from the topic by attacking the speaker, who is trying to make a point.
The speakers here are mostly women, LGBTQ+, people of color, and people who are not born with privilege or power. Even disabled people are tone policed. As autistic people have difficulty in integrating content and tone, they become the targets of tone policing autism. Also, tone policing feminism and feminists are not a new thing.
How to avoid Tone policing?
We have all been the perpetrators of tone policing both knowingly and unknowingly at some point when someone’s tone didn’t seem right to us. We may have also overlooked their message and have been caught up in things that don’t even matter. To avoid this from happening, here’s what you can do:
1. Learn about tone policing: Make yourself and your co-workers aware of tone policing. Next time such a situation occurs, phrase your response carefully and respect the speaker’s points and emotions.
2. Don’t invalidate someone’s emotions: Whether or not you agree with someone’s ideas, don’t invalidate them based on the emotions they are depicting.
3. Listen to their point calmly: Give them a chance to put forth their points and experiences without interrupting or policing them. Normalize the emotions that come along.
4. Understand where they are coming from: Remember, the speaker is showing such emotions because they feel strongly about the issue. They rarely have any hard feelings for you as a person, but they want you to see things right.
We all have the right to express our emotions and defend what we think is right. It is important to respect and accommodate other people’s opinions and give them a chance. Remember, emotions are important for social change.
For more such insightful content, head over to the blog section of our website. You can also read our recent article on toxic positivity.
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Originally published at https://www.fuzia.com.