Do you often feel like you do a lot for some people and yet you don’t feel it being reciprocated? Feeling disrespected, neglected or even lacking authority can signify shaky boundaries. One needs to learn when and where to draw the lines for peace and harmony.
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
- Henry Cloud
How often had you felt the stomach-churning need to say something but you couldn’t? How often have you allowed people to do things they wanted to do when you did not want them to do so. And how often have you agreed to things you strongly disagree to in order to avoid the anticipated consequences?
Well, it is the case with most people and the most common reason behind this unease is the lack of solid boundaries. Boundaries are essential and normal. They are a part of self-care and self-love. People with loose boundaries are often labelled as “pushovers” and “people-pleasers’. Certainly, none of us wants to be acknowledged as a people-pleaser or a pushover. However, we end up being one when things go south.
Not-so-surprisingly, studies show that women are more likely to have weaker boundaries. This is because most women are brought up in a male dominated environment where sacrificing is fed to her in daily doses. It can also be a result of several childhood complexes and/ or traumas why one ends up keeping their guards down.
It is important for one to introspect and find out the stimuli that forces such behaviour. Once the concern is identified and acknowledged, only then can it be worked upon. Here are a few ways that can help you to set healthy boundaries with people.
3 ways to set boundaries with people
Healthy boundaries can not only help you get rid of all the toxicity but can also help you succeed across multiple domains of your life. The following methods, if incorporated religiously, can be highly beneficial to you if you’ve experienced any of the above mentioned concerns.
1. Understand yourself and acknowledge your feelings.
It is essential to identify and acknowledge how you feel in order to respond the right way. Instead of reacting to a person or situation, take a pause and try to identify how you feel and why you feel so. When you have the literal definition of your feelings, express it to the concerned person.
Oftentimes, we react to a situation without reading into it and that exacerbates things. This also creates an immature impression of yours in front of others. Avoiding the urge to react can resolve a number of problems. Response is always better than reaction!
2. Refrain from oversharing with everyone.
Let the simple concept soak in that you have the capability to solve your own problems. Do not depend on others to always find a solution for you. Let me tell you the consequences of depending on others for a solution. There’s a fair chance that either you’ll end up doing something unwillingly and create more trouble for yourself or you’ll not blame the other person if things go south. Either can make things worse.
Also, sharing too much with everyone can also encourage people to take unfair advantage of you. Thus, avoid oversharing to save yourself the inconvenience of hurting your expectations.
3. Replace “um okay” with “no thanks”.
Let’s just begin with a question. When was the last time you said “no thanks” to something you really didn’t want to do? Yep, right there! This usually happens when people are too afraid of offending the other person(s).
You are your first priority, do not forget that! You can politely decline something you don’t want without feeling guilty. Also, avoid justifying yourself because chances are, people won’t oblige with your reason and the loop will go on. Thus, the next time you really want to say no, just say no.
Boundaries will help you go a long way in life. Respect the boundaries of other people as you would wish them to do yours. If you still need some pump, just imagine how different your life would have been if you had incorporated these three things earlier!
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